5 Things Not to Say to Someone with Dementia

Talking with someone who has dementia can feel daunting, especially if you're worried about saying the wrong thing. The truth is, most people come from a place of love and good intentions, but certain phrases, however well-meaning, can cause real distress, confusion or a loss of dignity for the person you care about.

Here are five common things to avoid, and what to say instead.

1. "Don't you remember? I told you this already."

Repetition is one of the most common difficulties that people living with dementia experience. The person isn't asking the same question again to frustrate you; their brain is simply not retaining the information. Pointing this out can cause embarrassment and distress and may make them less likely to engage with you.

Try instead: Answer the question as warmly as the first time. If it helps, redirect gently: "Let's talk about that. How about a cup of tea while we chat?"

2. "You're wrong. That didn't happen."

Correcting someone with dementia by insisting on facts, often creates unnecessary distress. If someone believes they need to pick up their children from school (even though those children are now adults), arguing the point won't help them; it will only cause confusion and upset.

Try instead: Acknowledge how they're feeling: "It sounds like you're thinking about the children. They must mean a lot to you." Ask more about the children, give the person chance to tell you the 'story that's in their head – what might be worrying them for example'. This approach, sometimes called validation, keeps the person feeling heard and safe.

3. "You've already eaten" / "We've already been out today"

Telling someone they've already done something they have no memory of can feel dismissive. From their perspective, it simply isn't true, and being told they're wrong about their own experience could be frightening and demoralising.

Try instead: Acknowledge the feeling behind the request. "You fancy something to eat? Let's see what we've got." Focus on the emotion, not the logic.

4. "What do you mean you don't know who I am?"

This one can be deeply painful for family members and close friends. But expressing hurt or disbelief when someone doesn't recognise you puts an unfair burden on them and can cause real anxiety. Understand that people will be experiencing difficulties with their short term memory, paying attention to what's happening around them and thinking logically, at an early stage of living with a dementia. They may be emotionally aware that they have a connection with you but factually unable to link the information together.

Try instead: Gently introduce yourself: "Hi, it's so lovely to see you today." Give them the information they need without making them feel they've done something wrong.

5. "I know, I know — you've told me that story before."

Dismissing a story or a memory, even one you've heard many times, can leave someone feeling unimportant or like a burden. Familiar stories and long-term memories are often still very much intact in dementia and sharing them is a way the person connects with who they are.

Try instead: Listen as though you're hearing it for the first time. Ask a question about it. "That sounds like a wonderful day. Was that here on the Island?" You may learn something new, and you'll certainly give them something precious: the feeling of being truly listened to.

Final thoughts

Living with dementia is hard. Caring for someone with dementia is hard too. None of us gets it right every time, and that's okay. What matters most is that the person feels safe, valued and loved, even when words are imperfect.

Try to avoid using the question 'Why' when communicating with someone with dementia – they often act from a feeling, need, memory, habit, or perception rather than from a consciously reasoned decision and the question may instead create feelings of helplessness when they are unable to respond as expected. For people living with dementia, being understood is often far more important than being able to explain themselves.

At Alzheimer Café Isle of Wight, we offer a welcoming space for people living with dementia and those who care for them. Whether you're looking for peer support, practical advice, or simply a friendly face, you're always welcome.

Find out about our upcoming café dates at alzheimercafeiow.org.uk